Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Retarded logic in my retarded world.

Retarded logic in my retarded world.

When you live in a retarded world, retarded logic makes sense.

That’s really not that deep of a thought and might even be a smidge offensive, but I think it’s true. When you’re head is off kilter, you tend to think bad decisions are good. It’s a simple idea, but guys have come out of the woodwork to tell me how applicable it is to their lives. For instance, at dinner one night, a guy told me that he had started an affair with a woman he knew had herpes. Of all the women, in all the cities in all the states in this country, he began an affair with one that essentially guaranteed to give him an incurable disease. Why would he ever think that’s a good idea? Retarded logic.

And me? Where does my own retarded logic rear it’s head? I once spelled out Bose in empty coke bottles and hung the dripping, mess of trash from the roof at work as part of a cube decorating contest. More recently I entered into a business agreement and essentially lit a few thousand dollars on fire. Anyone with even an inkling of intelligence would have seen how badly things were going to go, but in my retarded world, it all made sense. So I boldly rushed ahead. That’s the other thing about retarded logic, it’s never half done. When you make a retarded decision you always seem to rush into it as fast and as furious as possible. For instance, I didn’t casually explore starting a church focused ad agency. I convinced a church to give me $30,000 to redo their website.

The funny thing is that people have been retarded since the dawn of time. My favorite example of this is Hezekiah in Isaiah 39. Hezekiah in a moment of unadulterated retarded logic gives some Babylonians a tour of his entire palace and kingdom. Isaiah, shaking his head at the situation, asks Hezekiah what just happened:

4 The prophet asked, “What did they see in your palace?”

“They saw everything in my palace,” Hezekiah said. “There is nothing among my treasures that I did not show them.”

Again, when you go retarded, you don’t just dip your toe in. You dive head first, regardless of whether there’s any pool in the water. He showed them everything, nothing remained hidden.

5 Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, “Hear the word of the LORD Almighty: 6 The time will surely come when everything in your palace, and all that your fathers have stored up until this day, will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the LORD. 7 And some of your descendants, your own flesh and blood who will be born to you, will be taken away, and they will become eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.”

I love this. Isaiah tells Hezekiah that the Babylonians are going to loot and pillage his entire kingdom. Everything will be taken, nothing will be left. Even more than that, his kids are going to become eunuchs. A eunuch by the way is a man that is castrated and bound to service. So Isaiah has just dropped the hammer on Hezekiah. And what’s his response?

8 “The word of the LORD you have spoken is good,” Hezekiah replied. For he thought, “There will be peace and security in my lifetime.”

Awesome. Can you imagine if you had a son and someone said, “Hey, I think Iran is going to come kidnap your son and castrate him and make him a servant.” How retarded would you be if your response was, “What you just said sounds good.”

Just phenomenal, but I swear, it’s so easy to do the retarded. And I know this week I’ll have the chance to be extra retarded. I’m attending the Catalyst Conference on Thursday and Friday, which will be a huge temptation to try to pitch my book. I know I could just be a massive retard, pimping my book idea to anyone that makes momentary eye contact with me.

And I guess that’s my question to you today, when you look at your retarded radar what do you see ahead of you? What neon light is blinking retard, retard, retard? What decisions do you have that you could just completely bomb if you’re not careful? And most importantly, what can you do to prevent going down that path?

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