You're lucky I don't have access to bears.

You’re lucky I don’t have access to bears.

Would it be wrong of me to pray that bears maul my seventh grade orthodontist? I know we’re called to love our enemy, but is there anyway that I could get maybe a handful of people I know attacked by bears in the name of God? These are the types of questions I was left with when I read about the bear attack in 2 Kings 2: 23-24. (I know what you’re thinking, I too would have read the Old Testament a lot sooner had I known there were chapters on “when bears attack.”)

Here’s the scene. Elijah has just been taken up to heaven. Elisha, his confusingly named replacement prophet, is just starting to shake things up. The first thing he does as God’s new prophet is heal some water. The second thing? Bear attack.

Check out the verses in question:

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

That story is crazy. Some teenagers called Elisha bald, which to me doesn’t seem like that big of an insult. I’ll probably be called worse things today. Instead of walking on by, he turns around and says, “Baldhead huh? Bears, attack!” And 42 youths are mauled.

Can you imagine if God still operated that way? If at any given point in my day I had access to bears? Man, oh man I would abuse that. I can just see myself getting frustrated by some teenager that is having a conversation on his cell phone in the middle of a movie. (Comedian Daniel Tosh came up with this scenario but used fire instead of bears. I'm sticking with bears. He's a PK too so I'm pretty sure he's cool with me using his concept.) Without asking him to keep quiet so I could enjoy the film, I’d mutter under my breath, “God, bears please.”

Suddenly said teenager would feel a tap on his shoulder from what he assumes is an usher. But oh know, he realizes upon turning around, it’s a bear!

How many bears would I launch on people during my commute home? Cut me off, here’s a bear. Rode all the way up the breakdown lane while I waited in line, how about a bear? Gave me the middle finger? Three bears.

I would be bearing people all day. Which is why God won’t give me access to them. He knows I’m a jerk a lot of days and would abuse the blessing of attack bears. So consider yourself lucky. Had you ever accidentally cut me off in traffic you probably would have found yourself with a bear riding shotgun.