Little Einsteins is to Baby Einstein as Heroin is to Crack.

Little Einsteins is to Baby Einstein as Heroin is to Crack.

I love Canada. I have friends there, I enjoy their cheap but plentiful supply of lobster rolls and once spent a vacation on Prince Edward Island, the birthplace of the book series Anne of Green Gables. That’s how I roll, but lately a Canadian kid’s show name Caillou kind of makes me want to punch Canada in the mouth.

If you have kids, you might know who Caillou is. If you don’t, you’ll probably want to print this list out and save it in case you become a parent. That said, here are the seven most important things you need to know about kid’s TV shows.

1. Caillou will turn your kid into a wuss.
Until my daughter watched Caillou she didn’t know the dark could be scary. Then she saw that bowling ball headed punk whining about the dark, sharing toys, loud noises, the wind, butterflies etc. This show is has been banned from our house.

2. Clifford does not use the bathroom.
At some point, your kid may ask where Clifford, the Big Red Dog, goes to the bathroom. The answer to that question is “do you want a lollipop?” Seriously, the implications of a 20,000 pound dog going to the bathroom on Birdwell Island are horrific. Avoid this question at all costs.

3. No one really knows what the Backyardigans are.
My friend is a graphic designer that once illustrated a kid’s menu for a national restaurant chain. After several rounds of trying to get the perfect mix of politically correct kids, they decided to instead draw aliens. I think that’s what happened here. Everything from the oddly shaped characters (are they dinosaurs?) to the grab bag of names (Uniqua is a girl’s name?) this show screams “make a show no one can get offended by.”

4. Dora will send your kid into a cave.
I’m cool with Dora. I’d probably dune surf with Diego if given the chance, but I’d like to light the character “Map” on fire. Every episode he’s telling Dora and her monkey amigo that to get to Tico the talking squirrel’s house they have to go through a cave or a jungle or some other area no four year old should go in. Next time you can’t find your kid, check the old quarry. Chances are the Map told him to go exploring.

5. Curious George has horrible boundary issues.
If your kid steals a hot air balloon or jumps into the dolphin tank at the aquarium you’ll know why. This monkey is no good, plus when he misbehaves it always ends up turning into some great feat of heroism. The hot air balloon he steals ends up saving a man stuck on the side of Mount Rushmore, the chocolate he put monkey paws on at the factory would have hit the ground otherwise or some other such nonsense. They should name this show “Insane monkey” or “Man in the yellow hat that’s an incredible pushover.” Expect trouble, monkey trouble.

6. Little Einsteins is to Baby Einstein as Heroin is to Crack.
Have you ever seen a kid watch Baby Einstein? It’s almost scary how much they love it. And Little Einsteins is kind of the next level of addiction. It’s a gang of four friends that travel around the world helping caterpillars and kangaroos with the power of classical music. It’s not a bad show, but keep an eye on your kids. You might need to stage an intervention at some point.

7. The Doodlebops will terrify you.
What are the Doodlebops? Does anyone really know? Why do they play instruments? Why when they updated the costumes did they tuck their ears in behind their freakishly colored skin? Why do they dance on the bus? These are the sort of questions that will haunt you if you ever cross paths with this show.

There are more shows and whole channels dedicated to kids programming, but these are the most important things I think you need to know. Don’t go in blind. Don’t lose your kid in a cave or get hooked on Little Einsteins or get mauled by Winnie the Pooh.

Now you know and knowing is half the battle.