Friday, March 14, 2008

Abs, Ashton and 9 other things

Abs, Ashton and 9 other things

Every idea I have doesn't need to be stretched and pulled into a blog entry. Sometimes it can just be a handful of sentences, like these:

1. The other day my four-year old L.E. picked up a Donald Duck picture her two-year old sister McRae had colored. She said, “Dad, I’m not impressed with McRae’s work.” I asked her why and she replied, “It’s just scribbles.” I don’t think we have to learn to judge each other, I think it comes pretty naturally.

2. When someone tells you “FYI” it’s never a good thing. Honestly, have you ever heard someone say, “FYI, I’ve always loved you.” Or “FYI, you’re a great person.” No, it’s usually, “FYI, I’m not coming to your birthday party.”

3. If you don’t get sad when you’re at a burrito restaurant and you see the person making your burrito put a big tear in the shell ensuring that it will fall apart in your lap upon first bite, I’m not sure you’re an honest person.

4. The worst thing is when a celebrity gets Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher and they’re not important enough for him to show up to reveal the joke. He only goes to the big stars, but every celebrity looks around for him and when they figure out he’s just not coming, they realize they are C-list.

5. Why aren’t we still making fun of when Garth Brooks briefly tried to be a pop singer named “Chris Gaines?” Remember, he grew a little soul patch and combed his hair forward and we were supposed to forget he was Garth. That might be my favorite example that no matter how much money you make, if you’re not happy, you’ll still try to be someone else.

6. If you can watch this John Piper video and not want to immediately punch your copy of “Your Best Life Now” in the face, you must not like punching books.

7. When you forward someone a cool link or a youtube clip and they say, “I love that, I saw it about a week ago” what they are really saying is, “I don’t send you cool things even though you send them to me.”

8. Unless Jesus performs some kind of live show with white tigers in Las Vegas, I am fairly certain my wife will never set foot in that city.

9. When someone says, “Let me tell you about the dream I had last night,” what I hear is “this would be a good time to stop listening to me.”

10. “Fine is the Christian F word” is a sentence I wish I came up with.

11. At what point during the year that you have a Men’s Health magazine subscription are your abs good enough? Honestly, how many issues can I learn to blast, chisel, mold, shape, cut etc. my abs?


Rebecca said...

Is it bad that I saw the picture and immediately recognized it as Garth/Chris Gaines? I don't know why society has, almost politely, chosen to forget about that foray. You may be interested in Fender's special edition Chris Gaines guitar...

seven said...

Yeah, torn burritoes = sucky life.
But I like to hear about people's dreams. :)

Prodigal Jon said...

Two quick thoughts about what Rebecca and Seven said:

yes it is bad. You should be ashamed of yourself. But not as ashamed as Lorne Michaels for letting Chris Gaines "perform" on Saturday Night Live.

I don't mean aspirations. And I don't mean troubling dreams like my friend had the other night. I mean those dreams where someone steals an hour of your life by telling you how they had this dream where they had the head of Kirk Cameron from growing pains but they had webbed toes like a frog and were wearing a really tight red sweater and you remember that guy from high school that kind of smelled like cabbage? He was in it too. Those are the dreams that kill me.

Chris Pallé said...

This is totally stinkin' funny, bro. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed that I don't know the Chris Gaines story or thankful.
Either way, thanks for the laugh!

redwinegums said...

I hear you on the Men's Health thing. I think I'd have to radically alter my diet to get like that and I couldn't be arsed. Women want you to be in shape but not a muscle head. I play soccer and am reasonably fit so I'm happy.

Nice blog. Hope to keep reading

JJ said...

Ok, ok, I'll confess...

I was a believer in the Chris Gaines project. I wanted it to happen more than I could ever relay. I had the album, I knew the words, I told my friends...I was responsible for shooting "Lost In You" to the top of Billboard Top 40. The concept still interests me. I think a bio-pic on a fictional music star is fascinating. BRING IT BACK GARTH BROOKS!!! BRING IT BACK!!!

Jan said...

So, we're at the dinner table and my seven year old accuses my 5 year old with: "Mommy, Spencer said the "F" word today." My husband stopped chewing and had a look of sheer terror on his face.

I asked, "What is the "F" word."

My husband choked.

My son replied, "First. He wanted to be FIRST."

sweet relief.